Snake the Boxer
by SamandMax
Summary: If you ever wanted to see Snake become a boxer, get hit with a frying pan, and lose large amounts of blood, then this story is for you!


Snake the Boxer  
  
  
Announcer- Hello, and welcome to the biggest month in the history of life, of course I'm talking about the fight being called the greatest thing since Willam Shatner's Musical Career, the fight between Evander Holyfield and a guy that has no chance of winning named Snake. My name's Otacon, and I'm the announcers for tonight's fight. But, before the big matchup, I want to tell you how Snake has been preparing for today's fight."  
  
  
Snake's Preparation  
---------------------------  
Snake- Hello, I'm Snake. You may recognize me as the star of "Ghoulies 8: The Ghoulies rip off Gremlins yet Again." I played Dr. Ghoulie, the guy that was flushed down the giant toilet at the end of the film. Now, a lot of people think I have no chance at winning. Some say I'm getting get hit so hard, my head will fly off, hit a ceiling fan, and have the fan fall on Barbara Streisand who's seat at the match is right under that particular fan. I'm here to tell you that it won't be happening! My decapitated head won't be flying off, and I'm here to prove it."  
  
  
Manager- Hello, I'm Snake's Manager, Cory Feldman. No, not the famous actor, I'm just a guy that killed him and stole his name. Now, I really do think Snake has a chance to win, and I'm not saying that just because he's paying me millions of dollars for very easy work. Snake's been fighting like a drunken irishmen.   
  
  
Snake- That's my motivation. You see, whenever I get into the ring, I get into the mind of a drunken irishmen. Then, I just swing my fists randomly at everything that moves and shout stuff about potatos. The opponenet gets so confused, that when I punch him, he goes down like a cat with a weight tied around his ankles.  
  
  
Manager- I make sure Snake follows a strict training schedule. Every morning at 3:00, I run the 80 miles to his house and splash cold water on his face. When he wakes up, I slap him across the face and then run out of the room screaming his mother's name. This wakes him up, and he runs downstairs for breakfast. At breakfast, I tell him I'm making him eggs with a frying pan, and then I repeatedly bash him over the head with it. As he lays twitching on the ground, I splash him with water again, and then throw his body outside.  
  
  
Snake- This is where the training gets hard. I begin to run, but since I'm usually still dazed from the frying pan, so I usually run into a wall where I then collapse again. When I wake up, I begin my jogging.  
  
  
Manager- While Snake runs, I usually drive by in my pinto shouting words like "You run like a girl!" or "Run faster or I'll slash your legs." This usually scares him, so he rolls into a ball on the ground and starts crying. I then usually have to throw a spare tire from my car at him to get him running again.  
  
  
Snake- After running for about eight consecutive hours, I stop at Subway for lunch. Usually I'm too exhausted to stand, so I collapse onto the floor where they have to get a giant broom and sweep me onto the sidewalk. When I wake up from my quick nap, I begin running again, this time back home.  
  
  
Manager- For some reason, Snake always runs back home after Subway. I usually have to drive my car at him to scare him into going the other way. Hehe, one time, I actually hit him. For three weeks, I tried getting that blood off my windshield.  
  
  
Snake- So after I begin running the other way, I usually roll into a ball again and begin crying. After that, I get up and begin running around in a circle screaming "The Apricots are drowning in cranberry sauce!" I'm not exactly sure why I do that.  
  
  
Manager- Usually, when I see Snake running around and screaming about apricots and cranberries, I call the mental instituion and they send some guys over to shoot him full of tranqs. Then, when he's unconcious, we put him back in his bed. He sleeps until morning, and we do the training all over again.  
  
  
Snake- It's with that strict training that I have become the macho man that I am today. Hey, why are you laughing?  
  
  
  
Announcer- Okkkk, it's fight time, so let's get to some fighting action in the fighting ring on this fight night. It's going to be fight-tastic.  
  
  
  
Round 1  
---------------  
  
Announcer- And the bell rings to start round one. Snake leaps out of his corner in drunked irish mode while Evander walks calmly out of his. Snake is now screaming "Give me potatos, you leprechaun" and is waddling around like a drunken hobo in the middle of an alleyway. Evander is now screaming at the referee, asking that Snake acts normal. Snake uses time to jump on Evander's back, and is now punching the back of his head. It seems Evander doesn't like this, and he's now swinging Snake around in the air like a wet towel being twirled at a wet towel competition. And there goes the bell to end round one, let's check out Snake's corner.  
  
  
Manager- You did good Snake, but I want to see more punching, and less jabbing. More kapow, but less kaplut. And I think you could add a little more kajiffy in there.  
  
Snake- What the hell is kajiffy?  
  
Manager- Hey, I'm the manager here. You just give him a little more kajiffy, it'll knock him right to the floor.  
  
Snake- Hey, shouldn't you be giving me water, or cleaning the large gaping hole in my head?  
  
Manager- ....Hey....look, a wall....I have to go look at it....  
  
  
  
Round 2  
----------------  
Announcer- And let's get this round started. It seems Snake has stopped his drunken irish fighting style, and is now going into woozy blood loss victim because he's now shaking and walking dazily across the ring, and there's a good chance this is because of the large hole in his head, that's shooting out more blood than at a botched NRA meeting. But wait, what's this? Evander Holyfield is down! He has slipped on Snake's blood, and is now on the ground! The referee's counting...7....8....9....10!! HE'S DONE IT! SNAKE THE UNDERDOG HAS BEAT EVANDER HOLYFIELD!! IN A STUNNING DISPLAY OF PURE HORROR, EVANDER HOLLYFIELD LIES IN A PILE OF SNAKE'S BLOOD ON THE RING MAT!   
  
  
Snake- Huh? What's going on? Why people cheer? Are they cheering because of all the blood I'm losing?  
  
Announcer- Snake, you have just won the match! How do you feel!?  
  
Snake- Me tired. I go sleep. Night night mommy.  
  
Announcer- Uhh....Snake. Please stand up...you can stop letting out that fake blood now....Snake? Snake! SNAKE!!!!!!!!  
  
  
  
  
Snake- Hi, I'm Snake. You may remember from such past stories, such as the one you just read 8 seconds ago. Now, I'm guessing a lot of you are saying "Hey, what the hell's going on? What happened at the ending of the story? Is Snake dead?" Well, I'm here to set the record straight. Yes, I am dead. See, I'm a ghost. Wooooooo, I'm scaring you. So, if you want to help your dear old dead friend Snake, that's me, come back to life, please send a large sack of money to the following address:  
  
102 Birmingham Road  
Small Town, Alaska  
  
Hehehe, suckers....oh crap, I shouldn't have wrote that. Please believe me folks, I really am dead, and you guys aren't suckers, you're suckees, you should be proud of that....hehehe, that should fool those suckers... 


End file.
